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07/01/05
REMEMBERING
Here is another poem I found, that I would like to share:
REMEMBERING
Go ahead and mention my child
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent
Pretending it doesn't exist.
I'd rather you'd mention my child
Knowing that he has been missed.
You ask me how I'm doing
I say "Pretty good" or "Fine."
But healing is something on-going
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~Elizabeth Dent~
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07/05/05
Happy 4th of July!!
I had a good time this weekend. I had three days off, which was nice, thanks to Cole, who worked for me on the 4th. On Monday I went to Meme's house, where we had a huge BBQ. There was all sorts of people there that I didn't know....let me see, there was Meme, Amy, Mitch, Weston, Preston, Elizabeth, Mary Ellen, Charles, Charlie (neighbor) and the neighbors from across the street who I had never met, and they brought their babies, a two year old, and a 10 month old. I loved the baby. She was so sweet. Javier couldn't come because he had to work, but he was making double time so we couldn't complain about that much. We had a good time. Then, after dinner & cleanup we went to Amy & Mitch's, where Mitch's family came over. I was so nervous. There were literally about 20 kids there, all running around, playing with fireworks!! I was so nervous, especially when the fireworks went the wrong direction and almost hit me!! But from their house, you can see ALL of the fireworks displays from all over town. It was amazing. Not to mention the neighbors, who all had wonderful displays. It was fun, even though a little bit scary. One lady there brought her baby, she's only 7 weeks old, and she was sooo little & sweet. There was a guy there who showed up drunk, and he tried to sit down in front of me to pet Calvin (Amy's dog) and he fell over on top of me!! Funny thing is, he didn't even seem a little bit embarrassed!!
Well, I know for sure that my baby can hear now, because when Mitch set off the first firework, it was very loud, and I felt the baby wake up! It was neat.
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07/06/05
Baby's Choice
Did you ever think, dear Mother,
As the seeds of me you sowed,
As you breathed new life inside of me
And slowly watched me grow,
In all your dreams about me
When you planned me out so well,
When you couldn't wait to have me there
Inside your heart to dwell,
Did you ever think that maybe,
I was planning for you, too,
And choosing for my very own
A mother just like you?
A mother who smelled sweet and who
had hands so creamy white,
A tender, loving creature
Who would soothe me in the night?
Did you ever think in all those days
While you were coming due,
That as you planned a life for me
I sought a life with you?
And now as I lay in your arms,
I wonder if you knew
While you were busy making me,
I was choosing you!
~ Colleen M. Story
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07/08/05
Had another doctor's appointment yesterday
And it went pretty well, I guess. I gained more weight, but I can't for the life of me remember what I weighed last time so I don't know how much. Isn't it funny how women are so concerned with their weight that they don't allow themselves to gain even when pregnant? Crazy crazy. Anyways...
Blood pressure was high again, 148/100, but then the tech had me lay down & it went back down to 118/72. So you know what that means. I need to lay down more. Doctor said that isn't anything he is going to worry about right now anyways. He said I probably have some sort of hypertension issue even outside of pregnancy (which doesn't make any sense because my blood pressure is normal when I'm not pregnant, but I'm no doctor, so what do I know?) so he doesn't want to put me on blood pressure meds until I reach 160/110. He said bottoming out my blood pressure could cause more harm than good.
ANYWAYS, I am now 23 weeks!! Hurray for Sam! Last time at 23 weeks I was put in the hospital, so every week that I am not in the hospital, every week that I am not put on bp meds is a blessing. I think I said this before, but doctor said if I can get to 32 weeks there is almost a 100% chance of my baby surviving. And if I can get to 28 weeks doctor said there is still a really good chance. So all of you that have been thinking about me, I appreciate it. Help me through the next 9 weeks. I can do it.
Next week I have another ultrasound to check development and weight. I am hoping for confirmation of the sex, so I can really start thinking of names & shopping.
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07/09/05
Kids.....
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond
formed between a little 5 year old girl and some
construction workers that makes you believe that we
CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of
our time...
A young family moved into a house next door to a
vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to
start building a house on the empty lot.The young
family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
interest in all the activity going on next door and
spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind
of project mascot. They chatted with her let her sit
with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and
gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important. At the end of the first week they
even presented her with a pay envelope containing a
couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to
her mother, who said all the appropriate words of
admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar
"pay" she had received to the bank the next day to
start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come
by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week
with the crew building the house next door to us."
My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week, too?
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at
Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye.........uh?
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07/14/05
Bedrest here I come!!
Well my worst nightmare is coming true. At my doctors appointment today they informed me that my last 24 hour urine test came back with "moderate" levels of protein. My blood pressure was also high, although not as high as last week.
Which means....my kidneys are shutting down & I am in the beginning stages of preeclampsia. Preeclampsia is what caused me to lose my first son, Enrique.
I am writing this post while laying on my left side, because I am now officially on bedrest. At least I'm not in the hospital. I had to go on short term disability at work, and I will NOT be paid for it. My husband does not make enough money to support us, so I am going to call around tommorrow & find out what kind of government assistance I can get since I was forced to take off of work. Hopefully there is something.
I finally got my husband to admit to me what I knew all along . He has not let himself fall in love with our baby, because he is scared that it will happen again. Today when I got back from the doctors appointment he basically told me (although in not quite such harsh terms) that the baby is going to die anyways, so either keep working so we will be able to have a nice funeral for him, or quit so that we won't be able to give my baby a funeral. He wasn't quite that mean about it, but basically that is what he was saying.
There is another option to having a funeral, which is let the hospital take care of it, but that basically means that my baby will be thrown in the trash. I cannot let that happen to my baby boy.
I know I should not be thinking like that, but I have been down this road before, and I have a feeling it will happen again.
I love my baby so much. I don't know if I can go on if I do lose him. Why does this happen to me? What did I ever do to not deserve a healthy baby? I will never understand why women who are terrible mothers get healthy, beautiful children, but for some reason I can't.
On a positive note I did get an ultrasound today, and I am definitely having a boy. He was sucking his thumb, you could see him moving his precious little mouth. I will post the pics as soon as Javier scans them.
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07/15/05
Latest ultrasound pictures:
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07/20/05
Hospital Visit :(
On Monday I had an appointment with my doctor to check the blood flow from the umbilical cord. Apparently the technician saw something that she was concerned about, so they sent me directly to the hospital.
Upon checking in, I was told that I was going to have to do a 24 hour urine specimen, to check for protein again. I was so scared, because I just knew that I was going to be there for the rest of my pregnancy. Last pregnancy, I went into the hospital at 23 weeks "for a few days" and ended up staying until I delivered, which happened to only be about three weeks later. So anyways, I just knew that I was going to have to stay. Well, I got hooked up to the IV, the baby monitors, etc..it was very uncomfortable. I had to stay laying down, which made my back hurt. Also, I have a huge bruise on my arm where they tried to put an IV in, but didn't get it into a vein, so the fluid was just pumping into my arm. It's getting better now, but it was as hard as a rock.
So anyways, turns out what the ultrasound technician saw was an absent dialistic flow, or something like that, meaning the baby's blood supply was not coming & going like it should.
The whole time I was in there, my blood pressures were low, probably because I was laying down, but the protein in my urine did increase, though not enough to worry about yet. Apparently, anything over 300 miligrams of protein is abnormal, but it isn't considered severe preeclampsia until it hits 5 grams, or 5000 milligrams. Mine measured at 600 milligrams.
Today, I got to ride in an ambulance over to Texas Tech, where they redid the testing on my umbilical cord with more high tech machines. Apparently that was fine (they said since the vessels are so small at this point, it's hard to tell, especially with the equipment that they have at the doctors office, which is why I got a false reading, but at closer look it looks okay) but NOW they are worried about there not being enough amniotic fluid, also my baby is measuring smaller than usual. Apparently, anything over the 10th percentile is considered "normal".Well, the other day when I was measured I fit into the 24th percentile. Today I fit into the 13th percentile, meaning somehow my baby isn't growing the way he should.
BUT they let me go home (thank God) on the premis that I am on strict bedrest, absolutely no caffeine, minimal stimuation, etc, and I go in twice a week to get more ultrasounds.
So for everyone out there who has been praying & thinking of me, thank you so much, and keep it up, because I'll probably need it.
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07/21/05
Wish me luck!
Tommorrow morning I have to go back to Texas Tech to have another ultrasound done on my baby's umbilical cord. They will also take my blood pressure again. If either one of these goes wrong I will probably end back up in the hospital, probably for the remainder of my pregnancy. I am going to pack a bag tonight, and get ready to go. If I do not post for a while, it will probably be because I am there.
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07/22/05
Update on Dr.'s Appointment
Well, I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and I was pretty much convinced I was going to end back up in the hospital, probably for the remainder of my pregnancy. I even had a bag packed!
Well, the ultrasound on the blood flow to the baby turned out GREAT...the amniotic fluid is still low, but not any lower than it was the other day...and my blood pressure was not high SOOOOOOOO I got to come home!!! I'm so excited!
I still have to go back on a regular basis to make sure things don't get worse, but I have learned to be thankful for every single day that I have that I am not in the hospital. I am thankful for every single night that I get to sleep in my own bed, however I want to, without all those stupid monitors hooked up to me. And I am thankful for every single day that I am pregnant, because if I can get past next week, I will be further along than I was when I had my angel son, Enrique. That has been my goal this whole time.
So thank you all so much for your prayers. It has truly been working, and maybe, just maybe, I will get a baby after all!!!
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07/27/05
Kind of creepy!!!
So Javier took a picture of me the other day to show his mom, and look what turned out:
Notice the two orbs. Pretty creepy if you ask me!!
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